Fiction

★The Ultraphone

In the future there was an atomic war.

And because of all the radiation everyone was turned into giant robots except for Tommy Hunter who hid in a cave.

There were also three teen-aged girls hiding in a different cave. And the giant robots turned evil because they were made of Aluminum. Not the ordinary kind of Aluminum, but a special kind that turns robots evil.

At Robot Headquarters

“Some humans are still alive in caves,” said one of the giant robots. He used to be the President of the United States before he turned into a giant robot.

“They must be killed,” said Ultimate Robot. “Because we giant robots hate them so much.”

“I know that,” said President Robot.

“I forgot,” said Ultimate Robot, “that we giant robots have radios in our heads, so we always know what all giant robots are thinking.” Ultimate Robot had huge glass eyes like red light bulbs. They were glowing to show how angry he was.

“Take a squad of giant robots and kill those humans,” said Ultimate Robot. “Then we will absolutely rule the world as giant robots, and not as humans, and we will totally forget, given sufficient time, how we were once human but mutated into giant robots because of radiation.”

“Soon there will be only giant robots left,” said President Robot. “And that will be good for giant robots. Ha Ha Ha.”

“Yes,” said Ultimate Robot.

Tommy Hunter

Tommy Hunter came warily out of his cave. His keen nose smelled the air and he knew that the atomic war was over now, and that all the radiation had evaporated, so it was absolutely safe to come out.

“Everyone has been turned into a giant robot, except me,” he said. “Is this the end of the human race?”

“No, it isn’t,” said the three teen-aged girls who had just come out of another cave not far away. “But we have to figure out a way not to be killed by the giant robots that are coming right now to kill us.”

“How did you know?” said Tommy Hunter.

“The radiation caused us to mutate,” they explained. “And we became Psychics. But not giant robots, as you can see.”

The girls were very sexy. I will ask them for sex later, thought Tommy Hunter, assuming we are not killed by robots.

“We are Lesbians, Tommy Hunter,” they said.

Giant Robot Attack

“Look, robots,” said the girls sexily. Robots were coming.

“Lucky for us I stole the Ultraphone from the secret government laboratory where I worked as a scientist, just in case there was an atomic war,” said Tommy Hunter.

“Use it to stop the robots,” they suggested.

“Wait a minute,” said Tommy Hunter. He took out the Ultraphone and punched in some numbers. The Ultraphone started vibrating and then Napoleon and the whole French army came out of it and started talking in French.

“Do you speak English?” asked Tommy Hunter.

“Yes. What the hell do you want?” said Napoleon. “I sure am angry you brought me here to the future where atomic bombs have turned everyone into giant robots except you.”

“I know,” said Tommy Hunter. “Please go kill the giant robots that are coming to kill us.”

So Napoleon told all his men to take out their swords and cannons and stuff, and they attacked the giant robots and knocked them down with cannonballs and chopped them up with swords, because Aluminum is not that strong.

“Now send us back,” said Napoleon. “Because we are very thirsty. We need to drink French wine and conquer Europe.”

“Thank you,” said Tommy Hunter. He used the Ultraphone to send them back to France.

Doctor Insano

“I am Doctor Insano,” screamed Doctor Insano.

“How did we get here to the Empire State Building in New York City?” asked Tommy Hunter and the girls.

“No time to explain,” screamed Doctor Insano. He handed them some Coca~Colas and they stood around drinking the Coca~Colas which tasted great. Then Doctor Insano gave them toasted cheese sandwiches.

“Boy these toasted cheese sandwiches sure are good,” said Tommy Hunter. He hadn’t eaten anything since the atomic war.

“I invented this Transmogrification Ray to turn all the giant robots back into humans,” screamed Doctor Insano. “Except some of them will die instead.” Doctor Insano showed them the Transmogrification Ray. He started screaming and screaming.

“Boy that sure is annoying,” said Tommy Hunter.

Destroy All Robots

“We are here at Robot Headquarters in Cincinnati, Ohio,” explained Tommy Hunter.

“Yes,” said the girls. “We drove here in Doctor Insano’s red Sciencemobile.”

“That’s right,” said Tommy Hunter.

Tommy Hunter activated the Ultraphone which he stole from the secret government laboratory. One minute later John Wayne and The Professor from Gilligan’s Island and The ThunderCats came out of the Ultraphone and were amazed at everything.

“John Wayne tell us how to Destroy All Robots,” said Tommy Hunter.

“Okay, Pilgrim,” said John Wayne. But he smoked a cigarette first. “ThunderCats will attack giant robots and I will kill Ultimate Robot,” explained John Wayne. “Professor, you go to Radio Control Room and hook the Transmogrification Ray into Giant Robot Radio to turn all giant robots back into humans.”

“Thanks John Wayne,” said Tommy Hunter and the girls.

Death Of Ultimate Robot

“Ultimate Robot, you must die,” said John Wayne.

“You are John Wayne,” said Ultimate Robot.

Giant robots were sweating like crazy and Robot Headquarters was on fire, because robot sweat was gasoline. The air was heavy with the smell of robot oil from dying robots attacked by ThunderCats.

Ultimate Robot punched John Wayne in the face.

“Dammit!” yelled John Wayne.

Blood trickled down his face. Ultimate Robot had broken his nose. John Wayne whipped out his six shooters and pumped Ultimate Robot full of slugs. Ultimate Robot was dead.

“I am dead,” said Ultimate Robot.

Tommy Hunter and the sexy girls noticed how all giant robots were transmogrifying back into humans. But some were dead.

“Good job, Professor,” said Tommy Hunter and the girls.

“I want to go back to Gilligan’s Island now,” said The Professor.

“You will never be rescued,” the girls told him.

“That’s okay,” said The Professor. Then he went back through the Ultraphone to Gilligan’s Island. Then the ThunderCats went back to wherever it was they came from, which was another planet. But John Wayne paused to smoke another cigarette before going back through the Ultraphone, because cigarettes tasted so good to him.

“Let’s get out of here,” said Tommy Hunter to the girls. The smell of dead robots was making them sick.

The Blue Styrofoam Mind Shield

“I have invented the Blue Styrofoam Mind Shield,” screamed Doctor Insano. He was always screaming like that.

They were all wearing Blue Styrofoam Mind Shield helmets in Washington, D.C.

“I am not a giant robot anymore,” said the President of the United States. “But there are still some giant robots left.”

“Why is that?” asked Tommy Hunter.

“Because the Transmogrification Ray was defective,” screamed Doctor Insano. “But not anymore. Tommy Hunter and the Psychic Girls will now become Robot Eliminator Team X. Find the giant robots that are left and fire Transmogrification RayGuns at them, which I just invented right now.”

“I will always wonder what the Blue Styrofoam Mind Shield helmets were for,” said Tommy Hunter.

“Here are some toasted cheese sandwiches and Coca~Colas,” screamed Doctor Insano.

Psychic Girls Not Lesbians

The Robot Eliminators were in Spain hunting giant robots because they heard that a giant robot was in Spain.

“We are not Lesbians,” said the Psychic Girls.

“You lied to me,” said Tommy Hunter. He was mad.

Just then Tommy Hunter got a call on the Ultraphone. “Hello?” said Tommy Hunter. It was the President of the United States.

“The Psychic Girls are my daughters,” he explained. “They lied to you about being Lesbians when they noticed your hideous clubfoot, Tommy Hunter.”

“But we like you now,” said the Psychic Girls.

“We are in Spain,” said Tommy Hunter.

Next: Psychic Girls detect invasion by horrible Manta Rays from Outer Space. Earthquake Gun turns Earth into Waterworld.

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