Fiction

★The Hyperheads

Once there was only the Ultraphone.

Then the Super Ultraphone was constructed immediately by Professor Intelligence while injecting himself with neutrons in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Immediately he was contacted by Hyperheads who manipulated Super Ultraphone technology to warn him Morlocks were emerging from stasis.

“Morlocks live far beneath Earth’s crust and are dangerous to modern civilizations,” Hyperheads explained. “They have totally sophisticated thermal energy ray guns and hate modern civilizations for some damn reason.”

“Thanks for the tip,” said Professor Intelligence.

John Bastard

“Where is Rubber Boy?” said John Bastard.

“Playing in the backyard with Bouncy,” said Psychic Girls.

John Bastard was munching hot chocolate chip cookies prepared by Psychic Girls. He had been there 3 hours so far. He already knew Rubber Boy from before.

“We are The Hyperheads,” announced Hyperheads. They had immediately materialized from thin air. Hyperheads starting eating cookies without asking permission. They were arrogant as hell and Psychic Girls grew angry.

“Earth women will not sleep with you,” said Psychic Girls hotly. “You have bulbous heads and sub-normal genitalia.”

“Understood,” said Hyperheads. They had thick muscular necks to help hold up their giant heads, which were bald and covered with pulsing blue veins. They were not too happy about their appearance.

“Anyway,” said John Bastard. “We need Rubber Boy’s rubbery powers to defeat Morlocks who live near Earth’s core, according to Professor Intelligence.”

“Let’s go,” said Rubber Boy. Bouncy was slobbering all over the place. His slobber was made of liquid rubber so it was easy to clean up, once it solidified.

Origin Of Bouncy

Bouncy was Rubber Boy’s dog. He was a rubber dog made from a regular dog by Chemistry Supervisor. Chemistry Supervisor was dead now. Everyone had forgotten about him.

H.G. Wells

“What the hell am I doing here?” said H.G. Wells. He smelled terrible because he was English and didn’t bathe too often. He was not able to have too much sex because of the smell.

“I am John Bastard,” explained John Bastard. “You are H.G. Wells. You were brought here to modern times to help us defeat Morlocks, because you know a lot about Morlocks, and Morlocks will probably start to annihilate us pretty soon.”

“You are John Bastard, American super spy, who masquerades as a harmless international playboy so foreign governments won’t kill you? You brought me into modern times using the Super Ultraphone, a sort of time traveling telephone, invented just now by Professor Intelligence?”

“That’s right,” said John Bastard.

Immediately H.G. Wells whipped out an opium pipe and started smoking opium. The opium pipe had a lot of opium residue in it from all the opium H.G. Wells had smoked. H.G. Wells loved smoking opium and was addicted to opium.

“What’s that?” said John Bastard.

“Opium,” said H.G. Wells. Then he smoked a bunch of opium and passed out.

Molemen

Everyone decided they needed to go to McDonald’s restaurant and eat some Big Macs and Quarter Pounders with cheese. They would go to the Earth’s core right after that.

“I was thinking we should get some Molemen to help us,” said H.G. Wells.

“Explain,” said Hyperheads.

“The Molemen have huge claws where their fingers should be, so they are natural diggers. Also they can tap directly into the magnetosphere with their brains, because they have magnets in their brains. They can never get lost.”

Hyperheads told H.G. Wells that was a stupid idea and he got real mad.

Lars Of The Morlocks

“I am seething with resentment,” said Lars. “Against modern civilizations.”

“Why is that?” said Lars21.

“They are using up all natural resources,” said Lars. “There is nothing left for us Morlocks now except magma and heavy metals, which are not good enough.”

Lars21 nodded wisely. “You are the leader of the Morlocks,” he said. “You are more powerful and savage than the other Morlocks, and you beat up all the other Morlocks who dared challenge you to become leader of the Morlocks.”

“Correct,” said Lars.

Lars and Lars21 were standing in a cave encrusted with glittering jewels worth billions of dollars. Miles and miles of solid rock was over their heads. It was being held up by the tremendous strength of solid rock.

“Assemble all Morlocks in main cavern,” said Lars. “It is time to make war against the Overlanders. Make sure all thermal energy ray guns are in tip-top shape.”

“The Screwmobile, invented last year by Professor Intelligence, and containing Hyperheads, our sworn enemies, plus John Bastard, Rubber Boy and Bouncy, and H.G. Wells, 20th century novelist and speculative thinker, will arrive soon, in 45 minutes,” said Lars21.

“How do you know that?” said Lars.

“Professor Intelligence is a traitor,” replied Lars21.

Rubber Boy And The Amazing Thermo-Morphic Anti-Radiation Suit

“Bark!” said Bouncy. “Rough!”

The Screwmobile was tunneling furiously through solid rock.

H.G. Wells liked being in the Screwmobile. He thought it looked like a huge metal penis boring into Earth’s rocky vagina, except that Earth didn’t have a vagina, because it was a planet.

The Screwmobile was going about 200 miles an hour. It kept smashing into scrawny Molemen who couldn’t get out of the way in time. Molemen were screaming and dying like flies. They weren’t very smart and wouldn’t have made good allies. Hyperheads were right about that. The tremendous noise of splintering rock was driving everyone insane, but not Hyperheads, who had closed their earflaps.

“Barkity Bark!” said Bouncy. “Arrrough!”

“What’s he saying?” said John Bastard. “It sounds like he’s trying to say something important.”

“He’s warning me about Gamma Rays,” said Rubber Boy. “He’s worried about them.”

“Oh,” said John Bastard.

Immediately Rubber Boy put on the Amazing Thermo-Morphic Anti-Radiation Suit. It would protect him from Gamma Rays. There were lots of Gamma Rays where the Morlocks lived. Rubber Boy was vulnerable to Gamma Ray radiation. He had strange mutant DNA.

Normal humans can practically bathe in Gamma Rays and it won’t hurt them. That was the wonderful thing about being human, that Gamma Ray radiation was like candy to them.

Super Opium

“We have arrived at Earth’s core,” announced John Bastard. He turned off the Screwmobile to save on gasoline. There were no gasoline stations nearby.

“It’s hot as hell,” said H.G. Wells. He took out his opium pipe.

“Hey man, there are thousands of Morlocks with thermal energy ray guns!” screamed Hyperheads. “They look angry!”

Hyperheads were tremendous cowards. They started peeing their pants, but they didn’t have any pants, not even seaweed pants, so the pee was spraying all over and running down their legs. They had blue colored pee. After about 10 minutes they ran out of pee. Then blue steam came out their penis holes. That’s how scared they were.

John Bastard took out a huge revolver and started firing at the Morlocks. He was splattering their guts all over the place. He killed 40 Morlocks.

“My God!” said H.G. Wells. “Gamma Rays have turned my opium into super opium!”

Origin Of John Bastard

John Bastard came from an alternate Earth. On his Earth, which was called Earth 16, Morlocks ruled the Earth and treated people like slaves. One day, after being beaten up by some Morlocks, he found a time tunnel and came to this Earth and made friends with Psychic Girls.

Important Message From Psychic Girls

Rubber Boy received an important message from Psychic Girls. They were not at Earth’s core but at their house. “Remember you are made out of rubber,” said the message. “Gamma Rays at Earth’s core could affect you.”

“I already know that,” said Rubber Boy. “I am already wearing the Amazing Thermo-Morphic Anti-Radiation suit.”

“Good,” the message went on to say. “Also, super opium could be used to generate a protective force field, if H.G. Wells smokes enough of it. He would have to smoke a lot of it, though. It might kill him to smoke that much but we’re not sure.”

“Okay,” said Rubber Boy.

Triumph Of Bouncy

Morlocks had surrounded them and were firing thermal energy ray guns at them, but they kept missing. Morlocks had huge eyes with nictating membranes. Morlocks were naked and four feet tall. Lars was five feet tall. He was the tallest Morlock ever.

“Quick, H.G. Wells!” said Rubber Boy. “Quickly smoke a lot of super opium! It will generate a protective force field, and we will not be killed by Morlocks!”

“Right!” said H.G. Wells. He started puffing furiously on his opium pipe. “Man, this opium sure is good!” he said. He was pretty stoned already. Pretty soon they were surrounded by huge clouds of sweet smelling opium smoke. Thermal energy rays just bounced off.

Bouncy started pulsing, which he never did before. He pulsed and pulsed. He split into a hundred rubber dogs. All the rubber dogs looked just like him, only a lot smaller. Bouncy attacked Morlocks with rubber teeth and claws. All the little Bouncys copied him. Morlocks started screaming and crying. Morlock skin was soft like marshmallows. The rubber teeth felt like razor blades to them. They were being defeated.

Then John Bastard started pistol whipping Morlocks. He had run out of bullets.

Rubber Boy stretched his arms until his arms were a hundred feet long. He started slapping Morlocks in the face, causing them to lose confidence.

The Firing Of Lars21

“This is horrible!” yelled Lars and Lars21. They ran away into another cave. They were running out of optimism. They had very little optimism left.

“What do we do now?” asked Lars. “Should we plan a counter attack?”

“I am fresh out of ideas,” said Lars21.

“You are fired,” said Lars.

The Mind Gun

There were still thousands of Morlocks who hadn’t been beaten up yet. Some Morlocks kept fighting. Hyperheads hid behind rocks and stalagmites and fired Mind Bullets at them from Mind Guns implanted in their skulls. Mind Bullets contained thoughts from Hyperheads like “you are being beaten up” and “your cause is hopeless”.

“Our cause is hopeless!” yelled one of the Morlocks. He thought he was being beaten up but he wasn’t. He was shot through the head by a Mind Gun.

Then all Morlocks gave up immediately, but some Morlocks were dead.

“Sign this peace treaty,” said John Bastard. So Morlocks signed the peace treaty. John Bastard gave them water bottles and skin conditioner for their skin. “Will you be our leader now?” asked Morlocks. “No way,” said John Bastard. Then Morlocks went away and hid in caves.

Later Lars and Lars21 came out of their cave but were eaten by giant centipedes who had grudges against them. Their bodies were digested by centipede stomach acid in 3 hours.

“We are dead now,” said Lars.

“Yes,” said Lars21.

Secret Of The Hyperheads

“Ha ha ha,” said Hyperheads. “We won.”

“Yes,” said John Bastard. “Let’s return to surface world immediately.”

“Negative,” said Hyperheads. “We have secret plans you don’t know about.”

“What the hell,” said Rubber Boy.

H.G. Wells didn’t say anything. He was all skinny and groggy from too much super opium. He didn’t know what the hell was going on. He was all out of opium now.

“Ha ha ha,” said Hyperheads. “Now Morlocks are defeated, which was our plan. Now we can take over controls of Spaceship Earth, which are in secret caverns close by. We built Spaceship Earth millions of years ago, with magma engines. Then we went into hyperstasis for a while to evolve some more, and because we were tired out from building Spaceship Earth, which is Earth, but is really a spaceship, which you didn’t know until just now.”

“So that’s your secret,” said Rubber Boy.

“Yes,” said Hyperheads.

Origin Of The Hyperheads

Hyperheads lived far away on asteroids in another galaxy, which was Andromeda galaxy. They got beaten up by Insectoids constantly. They got sick of asteroids and left. Then they came to Milky Way galaxy and built Spaceship Earth from debris, but got beaten up by Morlocks and kicked out of Earth’s core when they emerged from hyperstasis.

Vengeance Of Psychic Girls

Hyperheads blasted H.G. Wells, John Bastard, Rubber Boy, and Bouncy with Mind Guns and left them twitching and drooling like idiots. They went to secret caverns to wipe cobwebs off spaceship controls and start up magma engines, which would wipe out all surface life.

Hyperheads planned to cruise around the galaxy for 5 years in Spaceship Earth, then go to their original galaxy and fire thermal energy ray guns at Insectoids, then beat them up to get revenge on them.

They forget that Psychic Girls were psychic.

“Help, Mom,” thought Rubber Boy. “Hyperheads are being assholes.” One of the Psychic Girls was Rubber Boy’s mom. Her name was Melinda.

“We are coming,” thought Psychic Girls. They were pissed off now. They loved Rubber Boy.

Immediately Psychic Girls used the Ultraphone to get to Earth’s core. They confronted Hyperheads immediately in secret caverns.

“You are Psychic Girls,” said Hyperheads. “We remember you now.”

“We will stop you from killing all humans,“ said Psychic Girls.

“No you won’t,” said Hyperheads.

Psychic Girls used psychic waves to melt Hyperhead Mind Guns. Hyperheads screamed as Hyperhead skulls exploded, spattering Psychic Girls with Hyperhead brains. This was the end of The Hyperheads. There were only 3 or 4 Hyperheads left, somewhere in South Dakota.

“Earth is saved,” said Psychic Girls.

“We are The Hyperheads,” said The Hyperheads.

Return Of Tommy Hunter

Psychic Girls and Rubber Boy were back home now. John Bastard was eating doughnuts and watching General Hospital on TV. H.G. Wells had traveled back to England via the Ultraphone, because he mistrusted Super Ultraphone technology. Suddenly Tommy Hunter came through the Ultraphone. He was all crazy looking and gasping for breath.

“Danger,” said Tommy Hunter. “Black Planet Leeches are going to invade Earth.”

“When?” said Psychic Girls.

“Their spaceships will be here in 10,000 years,” said Tommy Hunter.

“Bark!” said Bouncy. “Rough!”

Next: Rubber Boy and Bouncy battle Black Planet Leeches in the impossibly distant future.

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